


Bulges and Scones

by thesunisloud



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Bulges, Crack, Drunken Kissing, Episode: e011 Wheat & Wheat By-Products, M/M, Scones, Sloppy Makeouts, Would you believe there were already tags for bulges and scones
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 10:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4603935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesunisloud/pseuds/thesunisloud
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carlos and Steve get drunk and make out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [longhairshortfuse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/gifts), [psychosomatic86](https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychosomatic86/gifts).



> I wrote this in response to longhairshortfuse's cracktastic fic, Heist Horror: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4481321

"Carlos," Steve said, pausing at the bar door. He moved his hand to cover the bulge in his pants from the contraband scones.

"Steve," Carlos said, 58% more congenial than if he hadn't had three drinks in him already. "Come have a drink!"

Steve laughed in relief as he sat down to one of Night Vale's more hazardous concoctions. "I was a little worried Cecil had poisoned your view of me."

"Oh, no," Carlos said, tossing down a steaming shot and ordering another for Steve. "He does tend to be overdramatic. Like today. He found a spider in his coffee mug and now the whole day has been cleansing rituals and rants about impending doom."

"That's my Cecil, " Steve chuckled. "It takes ten cases of spiders in your food to herald the apocalypse, but old Cecil always was black and white. Well, thank you for inviting me to share your island of sanity." Steve flung his arm congenially around Carlos' shoulders. "You smell like my wife."

"Hmm? Do I?" Steve nodded and took another shot. "Well, I think Cecil told me his shampoo is a family recipe..."

"Yeah, the patchouli and lavender? That's what she uses, too."

"I just showered at his place," Carlos said as Steve deeply smelled his hair, "right before the spider incident. We had the most wonderful night..."

Steve hummed softly. Carlos subconsciously leaned close, then over balanced and had to catch himself.

His hand landed on a bulge in Steve's pants. The bulge was not the scones.

Steve grabbed two fistfuls of his hair and pulled him into a kiss. Carlos groaned and might have pulled away, but his tongue found crumbs of the first wheat product he had tasted in months and so he pushed it in further. Deep into Steve's mouth his tongue spelunked, investigating the flavor of scones, a hint of cinnamon and orange zest on that wheaty, wheaty goodness.

Steve kissed back with equal intensity, lost in the scent and desire, and when his hand fell on Carlos' pants, he found a bulge that was not scones, too.

At least... He though the bulge was not scones, considering how large and fleshy and hard it was. But he would need to take Carlos someplace private and unzip his pants to be sure.


	2. Cheating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The crack continues.

Carlos slid gingerly out of bed; Cecil did not stir. He felt a pang of guilt, but nonetheless picked up his shoes and tiptoed out the door.

There were two moons tonight, or perhaps only one moon that changed its position precisely when Carlos directed his gaze elsewhere in the sky. It illuminated the world sufficiently enough for him to find his way to Grove Park.

He slipped past the shape in Grove Park without acknowledging it, and soon found the man he was looking for at a picnic table. Without speaking about the shape, Steve greeted him.

"Hello!" He whispered, his congeniality not lessened by his hush. His wave was discreet but no less dorky. 

Carlos sidled up beside him and pressed close. "I shouldn't be here," He whispered furtively, eyes darting around. "If Cecil knew..."

"Oh, I know Cecil wouldn't approve," Steve said. "But he doesn't always know what's best... or what it is you REALLY want..." Steve guided Carlos' hand onto the bulge in his pants.

Carlos gulped. "Are you sure it's okay?" He whispered, sliding his fingers under fabric to fondle the bulge.

"Like I said, Cecil isn't omniscient," Steve said, shifting to give Carlos' hand better access, "And wheat and its by - products don't actually attack people."

"Then I feel even guiltier," Carlos said, pulling the object out gently, "to not share this with him."

Carlos bent to his hand and took the long, thick scone into his mouth. "Mmmm... it's so good..." He moaned.

"I used nutmeg, " Steve said. He nuzzled Carlos' hair. "You smell like her again."

"I showered at Cecil's again," Carlos answered. He finished his scone and slid his hand across Steve's pants, exploring. "More... please..."

"You got it, buddy!" Steve said, slipping another delicious length out of his pants. "That's it, take the whole thing in..."

Carlos gobbled the scone so quickly he almost choked, but Steve was there to pat his back and wipe the tears from his eyes.

"You like that, baby?"

"Oh, yes," Carlos cried, licking the traces of wheaty goodness from his fingers and lips. "You're so good!"

Carlos looked Steve in the eyes. "This is the first wheat I've had in months. Thank you. I'm so grateful, I could fuck you."

And then he did.

The End!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is gonna be "More Scones, More Scandal." WHO WANTS TO HELP WRITE IT???

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to carry this madness forwards!


End file.
